millions and the release

wow. Theres out are SO many blogs there. So many thoughts randomly shared on the information super highway we call the internet. How do people do it? How do they open themselves so freely up to strangers? Maybe it's easier....i have my days when it is easier to write here. It feels as if i am just writing to air. LOL

Air...and it will all disappear. Every thought that i put down, every feeling, every emotion that is shared on this screen. and there are MILLIONS and MILLIONS of others just like me. Millions of others, just looking for an outlet. a release.

i KNOW what my release is and where my release is. Whether it will ever really be...who knows.. but, it is a very lovely thought. To imaging myself looking up to see THE RELEASE looking back at me....and feeling so free and alive. That thought keeps me going.

goodbyes, 2010, and the orange peeler....

so i am saying goodbyes to all the people in my life that have hurt me. i have completely no use for you anymore. i wish you the best.

as for 2010, this is a new year of everything. new friends. new dreams. new memories to be made while the old ones vanish into obscurity. Leaving behind only traces of a former life, a former friend, a former smile. 2010 will be the year i decide to make myself happy. the year that i can be the person i want to be, or the person i really i am.

the person i really i am is.....His and He is my everything. He is my heart beating, my breath, my everything.

the orange peeler. i used it at work today. it was so cool because i never really realized how intricate an object it was. Able to slice thru layers all at once and then peel those back with one quick snap of the wrist. But the best part is the little hook loop on the back....able to scrap away all the bad parts and get right to the heart of the orange...

friendship

it's been awhile, and no, i have no idea why i am typing in all lowercase. all i know is that the person i thought was supposed to be my best friend in the whole world has decided she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. she said i was "too different"...that i had just changed too much. so why, does this hurt me so much?

i mean, really, i am 34...married...child and words like this hurt me from another person that is not my husband. maybe it's because i trusted her like a sister, because she knew my deepest, darkest secrets. because we spent hours on the phone, our kids played together, and we spent time at each other's houses. then she goes off and id friends with another supposedly erson that she "didn't really think she would like... and was just not her kind of person". said person didn't even bother to tell me that they had lunch until 3 weeks later......oh screw it.

i know i am being childish but, damnit! she was my best friend! i confided in her.i trusted her and for her to say, "you work such different hours, we don't ever talk anymore. ...." when what she really meant was, i don't want to be friends with you, you have to work, and i don't.....you can't drop everything and be available when i need you, so i am dropping you.... Yeah, that's what she basically meant.

i should have known better than to ever be friends with her again-especially after the last time. she didn't speak to me for a whole damn year-because she was going thru stuff-and you know, i was still there for her......

friendship should not be this hard. lonliness should not be this cruel.

my husband does not understand why i am so damn lonely......sometimes i wish i didn't either. sometimes i just want to be lost in my books and my music allover again. just not need anyone, they way i used to be. i was content, i truly content. not happy but, content. i was glad to not to have to worry about people. and then i let myself open up to people. let myself open up to friends and i liked it....and i wish i hadn't. i really do.

i really do.

Hope

I think for the first time ever in my life, i feel hope. I think the Dr M will really help to get my levels where they need to be!

Labs:
TSH- 34.076
Vit D- 9

Both so bad and i am starting to take better care of myself. Slowly of course, but, i am doing it. i am making better choices and i will continue as my energy slowly builds!

Have to get better....

So, I am researching healthy eating, healthy living, and going green. I am convinced that half (if not all) of the crap that i put into my body is making me sick. So, I am going to keep researching.

WW

So, I am doing weight watchers again. I am really happy about this. I know I can do it this time! I just have to get creative!

I did really good all week. I am going to sit down and do the grocery list later.

Sparkpeople

So, I have decided to start Sparkpeople again. I really want to lose weight before my weekend in Atlanta. I am so excited! I am praying that L gets better and will be able to go. We have to go and pick out dress patterns and fabrics soon, so I want to lose as much as I can. She said she didn't mind taking my dress in if I lose some weight.

I have decided to do this for me and no one else. I think about my life and how there are so many things I want to do. I just want to be around long enough to see my son grow up. I know that obesity has so many health risks and I already have so many health problems.