friendship

it's been awhile, and no, i have no idea why i am typing in all lowercase. all i know is that the person i thought was supposed to be my best friend in the whole world has decided she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. she said i was "too different"...that i had just changed too much. so why, does this hurt me so much?

i mean, really, i am 34...married...child and words like this hurt me from another person that is not my husband. maybe it's because i trusted her like a sister, because she knew my deepest, darkest secrets. because we spent hours on the phone, our kids played together, and we spent time at each other's houses. then she goes off and id friends with another supposedly erson that she "didn't really think she would like... and was just not her kind of person". said person didn't even bother to tell me that they had lunch until 3 weeks later......oh screw it.

i know i am being childish but, damnit! she was my best friend! i confided in her.i trusted her and for her to say, "you work such different hours, we don't ever talk anymore. ...." when what she really meant was, i don't want to be friends with you, you have to work, and i don't.....you can't drop everything and be available when i need you, so i am dropping you.... Yeah, that's what she basically meant.

i should have known better than to ever be friends with her again-especially after the last time. she didn't speak to me for a whole damn year-because she was going thru stuff-and you know, i was still there for her......

friendship should not be this hard. lonliness should not be this cruel.

my husband does not understand why i am so damn lonely......sometimes i wish i didn't either. sometimes i just want to be lost in my books and my music allover again. just not need anyone, they way i used to be. i was content, i truly content. not happy but, content. i was glad to not to have to worry about people. and then i let myself open up to people. let myself open up to friends and i liked it....and i wish i hadn't. i really do.

i really do.